Before salvation, I'd go there a lot, I'd get low and very depressed, but there have been certain times that stood out more than others. I remember this time in high school, when my mum's business went under and life as we knew it literally changed. One thing after another kept crashing around us. She basically lost everything to auctioneers, she was struggling to keep us in school, we couldn't pay our bills and those kept piling, there was even a season we lived in darkness because the lights were cut off, things kept moving from bad to worse and it all just seemed such a hopeless situation. My mother is a very very strong independent woman, she has made such tremendous sacrifices for us, gone all out to try and make things work, I am in such awe of the woman she is. I have never seen her cry, save for when her mother passed away which was way before this, but I vividly remember this one time she was trying to tell me something but she got overcome with emotions and tears started flowing down her eyes. At this particular time, I was about fifteen years old, I had been out of school for a couple of weeks because my tuition was overdue and she was beyond overwhelmed and out of options as everything she tried kept hitting dead ends. I don't know how this happened but I remember hearing these words leave my lips. " Mummy, don't worry. God is in control". She later on shared with me how hearing that brought her so much comfort, peace and motivation and up until this day, that has been our phrase in all situations. " God is in control ". Oh how little I knew then about how much He really was in control and as a matter of fact, He still is! (story for another time) and I know and believe He always will be! From where I am standing, when look back at how God has orchestrated my life, through every low and high moment, I stand amazed.
Today, I want to focus more on about two years ago, May to August of 2013 time frame. My last semester at the University (how that got to happen is yet another story). I was catching up with a friend from Uni the other day and a lot came up about how he couldn't fail to notice how I am different person now, and he happened to throw in a description of my campus lifestyle that went, in his words " you were acing classes and on the side being a G ". I smiled and thought what a fairly enough accurate summary that was. I was serving two masters so to speak. My social life / partying life was hyper active but I cared deeply about doing well in school.
I was never an exam cheat and I credit this to my upbringing. It just really went against me to help or be helped out during an exam. Much earlier in high school in form 1 and 2 (grade 9/10 equivalent) peer pressure had me slip up on that but my conscience didn't let me linger there for too long so the habit was nipped in the bud before it had a chance to develop and take hold of me.
Fast forward to Uni, my partying lifestyle did cost me a number of good grades along the way and I did not fully utilise all the opportunities my school offered but for the most part I was keeping my general performance above average but it was taking everything I got, a couple of times I barely almost made it because like I mentioned, I was 'serving two masters'. This eventually caught up with me during my very last semester, when I only had just two more classes to do, and a lot of 'free' time on my hands. I aced my Final Year Experience class which was a self expression type of class and I really enjoyed it and went all in with the participation. My other class however was a project class, which was not my first choice, I only ended up having to do it because during the previous semester, I did not give looking for an Internship the serious effort it deserved. This class was serious business, very demanding and needed one to be all in and all over it. I was in a very messed up state of mind around that time. I believe a lot involved being scared about the uncertain future, and where my life was going, my lack of self confidence and instead of doing something about it, I went into self destructive mode sub consciously. I was high or intoxicated almost 7 days a week, just basically a lot of tv, sex, drugs, alcohol and idleness. Some friends and I coined the phrase "Senior Year YOLO Experience" in celebration of our last all out partying season before real life happened, however they were taking care of their business, I was not!! I was so out of character, this just was not me, never had I ever let my studies suffer completely just so I could party. I messed up, I messed up big time and by the time it hit me that I had spiralled out of control, it was too late to fix my mess, and for me cheating was just not an option to consider no matter how pressed my back was against the wall.
Staring at that F-grade, my very first ever, that I had basically handed myself on a silver platter and not sure what I was going to do about it and do about my life, I kept it to myself. I did not tell anyone about it, I made up lies when the transcript conversation came up, I was too guilty and embarrassed to face the reality, here my family thought I was done with Uni and had a degree but I had flanked my very last class. I remember thinking of the sacrifices my mother had made to keep me in a good school and how dumb and selfish I had become to throw it all away at the end. About the same time I was going to church sometimes, I was that luke warm Christian but in all of that, I started leaning on God's comfort and wisdom. It took me maybe about 4 or 5 months to allow God to forgive me and in turn forgive myself and finally mustering the courage to come clean with my mother first and then a few select older family members.
To cut the long story short, I overcame my shame, swallowed my pride, faced my fear of failure and registered for the class again (not forgetting how God provided for all the funds I needed to redo the class). At first it was very hard, I honestly wasn't sure I could do it. I had faced challenges before head on refusing to give up, but I guess with the cloud of failure hovering over me and me listening to the thoughts of doubt in my head, I almost gave up along the way. Can you imagine I had even started to give in to my self destructive habits... again! I would never have overcome this hurdle without God, without Jesus. I credit my breakthrough to when I chose to commit my life to God and walk away from my self destructive nature.
The moral of the story?.... During our journey through life, we are all going to be hit by hard tough moments along the way. Some of them will be beyond our control, it maybe sickness, the loss of our loved ones, great financial setbacks, your business may not be picking up and those debts are piling up fast, your kids are turning out the opposite of what you brought them up to be, you're drowning at your job when everybody else you know seems to be progressing at whatever it is they are doing or your life just isn't going anywhere, the landlord is kicking you out, heart breaking relationships, your marriage doesn't seem to be working and you feel the distance between the two of you increasing daily. Maybe society says you were born in the wrong social circle or caste, you can't afford this or that for you or your children, you are not good enough,have a disability, you are too big or too small or don't have the right look........... or maybe you are facing self inflicted life lows, maybe you did not try hard enough and lost the job or position you had, you let opportunity slip away, you made the wrong decisions over and over and feel like you have wasted your life away, you cheated on your spouse or took to alcohol or obsessed with work and success and lost your family. Whatever the case the feeling of emptiness, inadequacy, of being a failure, of hitting rock bottom being the common attribute.
You know why I chose to feature the word 'feeling' in the title... because that is all it really is, a feeling. The truth of the matter is that no matter your disadvantage or your disposition, you not a failure if you fall, no matter how many times you keep falling, the real failure is in giving up and not getting up.
It is true, the low seasons in life are not easy ones to go through. I personally do not see how I could be able to go my stormy seasons without God by my side. Life is not and will never be good all the time, but God, He is God, and He is good all the time. Post salvation, I have ceased to have that empty hopeless feeling I used to get when going through low moments.
It helps to remember that His word asks us to be bold and courageous, not to live in fear, because He is with us all the time and He will never leave us or abandon us Deuteronomy 31:6
He also tells us in Philippians 4:13 that through Him, we can do all things! Nothing is impossible! He gives us the power. Therefore we should not be living defeated helpless lives no matter our situation, because through Him we are more than conquerors Romans 8:37 !
I also take comfort in knowing no matter what is going on in my life, even if I can't see it, I know that all things are working together for my good, there is a bigger picture I can't see, but He does and I trust Him Romans 8:28 , and that the storms will not always easy or make any human sense but no matter what happens, Jesus the Prince of peace will prevail in my heart and my life and give me His peace, that goes beyond normal understanding. Philippians 4:7
Finally, my life outside Jesus always led me to the snares of the devil 2 Timothy 2:26, resulting in me self destructing, because the devils business is to kill, steal and destroy our lives John 10:10 but Jesus came to save us that we may have life and have it abundantly! Outside Him there is no true living. So in Him is all my faith, hope, trust and love! I expound on this in a post I wrote in March called For when it is hard remember this, check it out.
You have only failed if you chose not to do anything about the situation and give up, only If you chose to believe that the negative labels and the hopeless looking situation are who you are. Do not believe that.
What ever has happened or is happening, is not the end of you, not even close! Run to God, He will heal you, He will fix you.
Oh aaaaaaand............................ I did pass my project class after all! I got a B+ glory be to God!! So I did officially finish my undergraduate degree and I am so looking forward to going back to school and what that new chapter and journey of my life is going to entail and what it will bring forth !!
Love, Ree
Staring at that F-grade, my very first ever, that I had basically handed myself on a silver platter and not sure what I was going to do about it and do about my life, I kept it to myself. I did not tell anyone about it, I made up lies when the transcript conversation came up, I was too guilty and embarrassed to face the reality, here my family thought I was done with Uni and had a degree but I had flanked my very last class. I remember thinking of the sacrifices my mother had made to keep me in a good school and how dumb and selfish I had become to throw it all away at the end. About the same time I was going to church sometimes, I was that luke warm Christian but in all of that, I started leaning on God's comfort and wisdom. It took me maybe about 4 or 5 months to allow God to forgive me and in turn forgive myself and finally mustering the courage to come clean with my mother first and then a few select older family members.
To cut the long story short, I overcame my shame, swallowed my pride, faced my fear of failure and registered for the class again (not forgetting how God provided for all the funds I needed to redo the class). At first it was very hard, I honestly wasn't sure I could do it. I had faced challenges before head on refusing to give up, but I guess with the cloud of failure hovering over me and me listening to the thoughts of doubt in my head, I almost gave up along the way. Can you imagine I had even started to give in to my self destructive habits... again! I would never have overcome this hurdle without God, without Jesus. I credit my breakthrough to when I chose to commit my life to God and walk away from my self destructive nature.
The moral of the story?.... During our journey through life, we are all going to be hit by hard tough moments along the way. Some of them will be beyond our control, it maybe sickness, the loss of our loved ones, great financial setbacks, your business may not be picking up and those debts are piling up fast, your kids are turning out the opposite of what you brought them up to be, you're drowning at your job when everybody else you know seems to be progressing at whatever it is they are doing or your life just isn't going anywhere, the landlord is kicking you out, heart breaking relationships, your marriage doesn't seem to be working and you feel the distance between the two of you increasing daily. Maybe society says you were born in the wrong social circle or caste, you can't afford this or that for you or your children, you are not good enough,have a disability, you are too big or too small or don't have the right look........... or maybe you are facing self inflicted life lows, maybe you did not try hard enough and lost the job or position you had, you let opportunity slip away, you made the wrong decisions over and over and feel like you have wasted your life away, you cheated on your spouse or took to alcohol or obsessed with work and success and lost your family. Whatever the case the feeling of emptiness, inadequacy, of being a failure, of hitting rock bottom being the common attribute.
You know why I chose to feature the word 'feeling' in the title... because that is all it really is, a feeling. The truth of the matter is that no matter your disadvantage or your disposition, you not a failure if you fall, no matter how many times you keep falling, the real failure is in giving up and not getting up.
It is true, the low seasons in life are not easy ones to go through. I personally do not see how I could be able to go my stormy seasons without God by my side. Life is not and will never be good all the time, but God, He is God, and He is good all the time. Post salvation, I have ceased to have that empty hopeless feeling I used to get when going through low moments.
It helps to remember that His word asks us to be bold and courageous, not to live in fear, because He is with us all the time and He will never leave us or abandon us Deuteronomy 31:6
He also tells us in Philippians 4:13 that through Him, we can do all things! Nothing is impossible! He gives us the power. Therefore we should not be living defeated helpless lives no matter our situation, because through Him we are more than conquerors Romans 8:37 !
I also take comfort in knowing no matter what is going on in my life, even if I can't see it, I know that all things are working together for my good, there is a bigger picture I can't see, but He does and I trust Him Romans 8:28 , and that the storms will not always easy or make any human sense but no matter what happens, Jesus the Prince of peace will prevail in my heart and my life and give me His peace, that goes beyond normal understanding. Philippians 4:7
Finally, my life outside Jesus always led me to the snares of the devil 2 Timothy 2:26, resulting in me self destructing, because the devils business is to kill, steal and destroy our lives John 10:10 but Jesus came to save us that we may have life and have it abundantly! Outside Him there is no true living. So in Him is all my faith, hope, trust and love! I expound on this in a post I wrote in March called For when it is hard remember this, check it out.
You have only failed if you chose not to do anything about the situation and give up, only If you chose to believe that the negative labels and the hopeless looking situation are who you are. Do not believe that.
What ever has happened or is happening, is not the end of you, not even close! Run to God, He will heal you, He will fix you.
Oh aaaaaaand............................ I did pass my project class after all! I got a B+ glory be to God!! So I did officially finish my undergraduate degree and I am so looking forward to going back to school and what that new chapter and journey of my life is going to entail and what it will bring forth !!
Love, Ree
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Ps: If you are ever in Nairobi and are looking for a church family to visit with, during your short or long stay. My church Eagle's Faith Christian Centre ( EFCC) would be privileged to host you! OR if you live in Nairobi and are looking for a church family or if you simply want to visit and send our love back to your home church family, get in touch with me for directions, or Get Directions Here !
Ps: If you are ever in Nairobi and are looking for a church family to visit with, during your short or long stay. My church Eagle's Faith Christian Centre ( EFCC) would be privileged to host you! OR if you live in Nairobi and are looking for a church family or if you simply want to visit and send our love back to your home church family, get in touch with me for directions, or Get Directions Here !
