When this month began, I had other exciting topics in mind to choose from, but it became clear to me that I think I need to clarify certain things about me...set the foundation of this platform straight before we move onto other blog related matters in view of the fact that my posts will be guided by what I perceive, what my thoughts, beliefs and truths are, essentially.. WHO I AM!
WARNING: this post is looooooong!!! Geez, I really must learn how to summarize, lol. Or hope that in situations like these, when I clearly fail to summon my very weak summarising power, that it is an interesting read and you absolutely enjoy the entire ride!
On the 17th of last month, in the midst of a group chat conversation, one of my close friends addressed this question to me and I quote " U saved again???? ". I didn't ask, but I think this came up as a result of the new nature of my Facebook posts, following my social media lacuna.
A few days later, another friend after reading my first blog post asked me this " Did you get saved again?" and later added, (okay now I will paraphrase and take out her text lingo typos aplenty, lol) " When did this happen? I have thousands of questions for you , how did you do it? Did you just get up one day and do it ?"
I was so tickled by this happenstance that I even let both friends know about this incident and mentioned to them that they may have just inspired my next post! What's more, when I had already began drafting this, another friend mentioned to me as we were chat catching up on life that she had noticed a change in my fb posts but blew it off to just a phase, only to realise that it was indeed based on a personal relationship with Jesus.
So, Yes, Ree is saved.....again :), lol ... and No! It did not happen overnight.
Did you notice the word 'again' pop up in both their questions?..
Without going into too much detail, I believe the girls were referring to a time in last quarter of 2004 when I got saved and went very public about it in school, but the new me did not last too long as I was back to my old ways maybe a couple of months later. Just to be clear, I did not fake it then. Maybe I went about my then new changes a little too drastically, (this salvation thing I am learning works differently for everyone. Some people can simply up and drop their sinful nature in a single moment once they feel convicted and realise they want out of sin and never look back, while others have a different journey, and I will tell you about mine in a little bit) but also, I took my eyes off the ' target ' and started looking back, to the old life I knew and 'loved'.
A transparent picture about what this was: I started drinking heavy liquor, smoking cigarettes and marijuana, and having sex at about 13 crossing over to 14 years of age. I went on to experiment with a whole lot of other drugs in my past life and I am not even too sure I know what every chemical that I ever smoked up, sniffed, had in a concoction or inhaled, basically subjected my body to constituted. So I was not a murderer or rapist or child molester, the things most people would shun, and I know by a lot of standards that this is not the worst, in fact it is considered normal. Please understand that I speak from my perspective, and by my standards, this is and was not okay, for example, I knew deep down that I did not want to end up being the weed smoking club hopping wife and mother, but my actions sure spoke a different story. And even when it felt okay, I could clearly see it held me back from being a better Rita. Alcohol and drugs had me operating at say 70% of my full potential, I was mediocre, just average.
Should I be sharing this much about me on such a public platform? I went back and forth on this one and finally concluded that I think why not. I know as time goes on, and If I am ready to open up more, some of my confessions from my past may shock a number of people, but guess what? This is real. Things like these are happening to you or all around you to people like you, people you know, or people the people you know, know. This is a reality to a lot of " normal fully functioning current or future leaders and care givers". Majority of us are so lost and caught up in so much layers of hopelessness, lies and filth and we don't even realise it. We live in a generation where there is such a thin line between bad and good.
Children in their formative years are so mislead and caught up in stuff they should not be! I was an early bloomer for my time, a lot of my peers caught up with the stuff I had been doing much later. I was a little rebel behind the scenes but managed to keep up my well behaved child persona because I was also that. Times have changed since then and I see and hear things, I can't even begin to picture what younger children without the right direction and guidance are getting up to in this fast paced technological day and age! And if the people with the power to make a difference in their lives are not empowered with this knowledge or caught up in their own bubble and don't know any better, there will be no difference to make, and more precious lives will follow the nasty dark path awaiting them, and either get so lost in it, or struggle to get out of it when they realise they want out. ( Story of my life!)
This is my past, the bad and the good choices are all my lessons and my experiences, besides, I don't live there any more and now I plan on using my journey to make a difference in someone else's life. God doesn't judge me for where I have been, I have and in some cases I am still working on forgiving myself like He has, but I know and believe like 2 Corinthians 5:17 says : Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation: old things have passed away: behold, all things have become new.
Amazing grace! how sweet the sound, That saved a wretch; like me! I once was lost but now am found, Was blind but now I see.
I grew up in a godly environment, went to Sunday School which I enjoyed very much and I knew about daily devotions and prayer and so on, so I grew up believing in God and Jesus and knowing that Church was part of the week's routine. Nonetheless, in high school, during my teenage 'emancipation' phase I stopped regularly going to church though I would make an appearance now and then, and still really enjoy the service. I knew in my heart that God was the better way but I only treated Him with this honour on the Sundays I felt like going to church or when I was in trouble, or low, you know, the stuff we do.
Going to church eventually became such an uncommon interest in my life. If I remember correctly there was a time I hadn't been to a church in maybe 3 or 4 years !! Despite all this I never doubted or stopped believing that God was real. Then in May 2010 I relocated from my home in Kampala (Uganda), from my family, all the friends I had and life as I knew it, to Nairobi(Kenya) to begin University. Not so funny story about my relocation trip, I 'tripped over' ( this was a regular occurrence, even when I had important responsibilities to take care of) into a plan the night before my exit, partied till probably 5 am the next morning yet I had a 7 am bus to catch, got home just in time to throw some things into my suitcase, my niece and brother (bless their hearts) did most of my packing the best they could because there was no telling what was going where, what I was leaving behind or taking, and I was so drunk, and incoherent, was staggering and hiccuping all over the place, I was a lovely hot mess because I am extra talkative, sweet and loving when intoxicated, lol. My mother's sisters were seeing me off that morning as my mother was not in the country at that time. I was knocked out the entire journey, and it's only because my niece was also making the same trip with me that I didn't get robbed or maybe even worse because she checked us both in, handed in my passport and the like and I have absolutely no recollection of this. Goes without saying, that I began my very first semester very disorganized, a lot of things I needed were back in my room in Kampala and a lot of unnecessary stuff was packed. But ultimately, I had no one else to blame but myself. A few incidents before this and after it, got troubled family members beginning to talk to me about their concern about my drinking.
The culture shock of moving to a new country and city took its toll on me. Apart from being active in class (I actually enjoy mental stimulation), my social life hibernated, I was withdrawn for sometime and I was also concerned that my family was discussing me in this negative light. Like I had mentioned earlier, it had always been very important to me to maintain a good image where I knew it was necessary, though there were occasional slip ups like going home still drunk after a wild night, showing up for family functions or to work hang over, tired, sleepy and reeking of alcohol.
I had lived in Nairobi temporarily before this period for a few months in 2009, family related reasons, and during that time I made a few close friends so I was already a veteran when it came to the Nairobi night-life before I joined the university and eventually I did adjust just fine in this new city and life as it used to be in Kampala continued, now simply doing it with new crew.
So what happened between 2010 and 2014 that has me talking to you like I am now?
I would like to say Faith and having Christian mentors that never Judged me no matter how far they saw me fall and continue to fall, they simply kept encouraging with kind loving words, all the time.
My partying life when I was at the University in Nairobi or during the holidays in Kampala continued to accelerate and progress. I consider it a blessing that I enjoyed being a student as well so as much as I partied hard, I studied equally as hard. Though I skipped a few classes here and there because probably I had gotten to my room at 8 in the morning on a school day and was still wasted, or maybe I was at an after party, or something. I also went for a few classes pretty intoxicated. The point I am getting at is I wasn't living up to my highest student potential, and yes there have been some consequences as a result of these wrong choices.
About the same time I started having a new interest in God. Life was not fully satisfying. It was kind of like a cyclic pattern of chasing one high after another. Nothing truly left me feeling like everything was okay. One day I was bubbly happy Rita, other days I suddenly was quiet and withdrawn and for the talkative person that I am, it was easy for people to spot that I was not myself. This always had people asking me if I was okay and I used to resent that. I would be thinking, uurrgghh, what's wrong with everyone, is it a crime to be quiet! As a matter of fact, I did suffer from depression (or was it that I was bipolar?) and I used to have a lot of suicidal thoughts on and off for a couple of years and to the best of my memory this started way back in high-school . Thank you Jesus for keeping me from acting on them. By the way, I recently came across information that said 1 in every 4 Kenyans is suicidal! This should not be!
Anyway owing to this new interest, I started going to church again whenever I woke up feeling like I wanted to. I didn't have a home church then, but I had a few favourite churches, and sometimes I would make plans with friends to meet there to ensure I had motive. Knowing me then, sometimes things happened and what I then considered a sweet irresistible plan came up on a Saturday night which I would partake in but still made it a point to go. A few times I'd get home still intoxicated but alert, take a shower and meet them at church. Most times I'd sleep though the sermon but it felt better than nothing.
This was the beginning of me playing the gray area game. I was interested in a relationship with God but not ready to let go of the desires of my flesh. Then sometimes I would snap and suddenly go celibate and stop drinking and doing drugs cold turkey. There were times when it lasted a week, other times months, but I always kept going back. I remember a time a friend of mine who had witnessed me in my drinking glory and had commented that for a girl she was impressed at how much alcohol I could take yet I would still keep going and handle myself well enough, witnessed me get off alcohol. At 3 months she was like whoa Rita, your really doing this, I am so impressed. But it so happened I slipped at about 5 months and I remember her saying, that she would never trust my word if I ever said I my getting off my bad habits again. That stung, but I thought to myself, let it be Rita, as long as you know you were not trying to play around, you really meant to quit.
Fast Forward to the 2nd half of 2012, my cousin and her husband move to a new church. So I am visiting over the weekend so I can spend time with my nieces and Sunday morning they politely insist that I should join them at church. This happened maybe 2 more times when I was visiting. When I began being honest with myself, I realised I really liked the message at this place, and before long, I was leaving the university all on my own on a Sunday morning and meeting them there. I think by the time I started going to Eagles Faith Christian Center I was going through one of my staying sober celibacy phases, but after going to Kampala for the holidays in December 2012, I came back to Nairobi in a darker place that I had previously been. I mean I had done some extremes already, but they didn't bother my conscious like these did. I crossed some boundaries that holiday that I had always labelled "I could never do that!" , the doors I opened then led me to even darker places in the year 2013 and early 2014. Areas that I am still working out letting go of the guilt because I know God has forgiven me.
I still kept going to church, this was now early 2013, but I eventually fell off the wagon, again and wasn't going to church any more. I got back on sometime in June, and EFCC and the family was as welcoming as ever, but by December, I was beginning to compromise. I said I was not drinking but I could have a few shots if you convinced me enough, as long as I wasn't getting high. I said I was celibate but I was crushing at guy friends homes and would share beds with them. By February 2014 I was smoking just a little bit of marjuana, but I told myself I am not doing it all the time like before. I was attending parties where drunken behaviour and orgies were going on, but I was leaving early, so I was okay, I told myself. Though, in the midst of this, one Sunday,I remember taking a leap of faith and re dedicating my life to God in front of the whole church because I could see myself slipping and I felt helpless. By March or was it April, I was back like I never left, less church and more sex, drugs and alcohol, the whole 9 yards. But by June 2014, I picked myself up and went back to EFCC. I was sick and tired of this cycle.
I was split in two. A part of me loved the Lord, but another part loved the world. But you can't have your cake and eat it too you know that. Nobody is perfect but if you want change, you have got to decide to get it together. For me at this point I realised I knew the truth but I was distracted, so much 'noise in my head' and decided to shut the world out and focus on Jesus. I got off all my social media accounts or anything that kept me over connected to everyone. No more Facebook, no Twitter, no Instagram, no more Whatsapp ( I got a new number for this that a few select people had, it wasn't to chat and waste time on, I just needed it because business as usual had to go on despite my sabbatical)
And I started reading the word of God more, not just during Sunday service. I started listening to more gospel music - music with a message that reminds you what God says about your life, or makes you realise that you are not the only one struggling with sin and God loves you just as you are. I just started seeking God again and feeding my spirit man and starving my flesh and its desires. Less and less music that made me want to hit the club and didn't have messages that build me, Less and less Tv that said it was okay to give into your desires and do as you wish. I started reading more and more Christian blogs and what God says about this and that and real life Christian stories, and whatever my questions were. After a while I got up and took on a role of service at my church, to give me accountability, to keep me in my lane. Seems like it was all rosey? Think again, and since we are doing this I am an open book thing, allow me to add this little scenario.
At the beginning of August, my flatmates had some colleagues over for food and drinks, it was a nice chill time. And in lure of it all, I had my first alcoholic drink after about 6 weeks off. Next thing I know me and a friend ( that I used to have an open relationship thing with but I had been shutting out because I wanted to end that) started chatting. A full belly, lots of tales and laughter and a couple of drinks later, his invitation (that I had been turning down for a couple of weeks ) to join him and some of his boys didn't seem too harmful, after all we really did enjoy each other's company and I had genuinely missed him. Fast forward to about 4 am.. I almost went home with him! Like we had literally started driving off but my gut kept saying " Rita don't this", we argued a little about it, after I eventually spoke up wanting him to take me to the the cabs, and he wasn't seeing what the big deal was, after all before all this less available me business, I was almost always at his place over the weekends. Then I did something drastic, I literally jumped out of his moving vehicle and walked to the cabs, in heels and a long but tight skirt, praying that I don't get robbed or kidnapped while I walked and even as I took a cabbie I didn't know or trust. By God's grace, all is well that ends well.
And now that this narration is finally over : over to the points to take home today.
I mentioned earlier that what I believe lead to this transformation of me is : Faith, Christian mentors and No judgement. This is what I meant.
 |
| My previous declarations on IG and Twitter |
Laozi - “Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”The bible says in Romans 10:17 that " So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing the word of God". You already know by now I had this on and off church relationship going on for a long time, but guess what, it wasn't in vain. Every time I picked myself up from my madness and took myself to church, I was hearing the word and my Faith was growing, bit by bit.
Christian Mentors - For me, this originally happened due to circumstance, but even when that situation changed, I began to do this on purpose. Intentionally spending less time with my party people, and not because I was 'better than them' or I didn't care for them any more, but because I wanted to stop being a 'party girl', and I started spending more time with church going faith believing people. I love this quote by co-founder of LinkedIn, Reid Hoffman.
The fastest way to change yourself is to hang out with people who are already the way you want to be.Need I say more? I believe this piece of advice cuts across all areas of our lives ! Who are you spending your precious valuable time with? Believe it or not, the company you keep does have an impact and influence on your choices. I saw this off a blog, author's name was Will Nesbitt, he said
"If you run with wolves, you will learn how to howl. But if you associate with eagles, you will learn how to soar to great heights "
No Judgement - This is a tough lesson for a lot of us, Christian or non - Christian. We, human beings that is are so quick to judge people different from us and even quicker to look down on them for being different. The people that were pointing in the direction of Jesus never stopped to judge me. They never focused on the mistakes I was making or on how on and off I kept on being. They just kept loving me, telling me they missed me at church and how they could not wait to see me again. See, as people, it is NOT our business to judge one another, that's God's jurisdiction. Our business is to love each another, unconditionally, same way God loves us. No matter what we do, God loves us. He loves us when we are a mess, foolish, stubborn and confused. He loves us even when we are wrong.
I learnt that all this time, I had been doing it wrong. I kept trying to fix myself first then go to God when I was right, but I always fell short, I always went back to all the foolish living. So now I went to God just as I was, a sinner lost in my alcohol and drugs and fornication and whole lot of other things, and it is only He who will help me change.
Seeing that I have been such the yoyo Christian over the last couple of years, is it not too premature for me to go public, 4 months into getting saved, again? Am I not scared that I will fall once again like my track record proves? Maybe, but the book of Phillipians 4:13 say, " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me " So I choose to believe it . I can quit alcohol, I can never light another blunt, I can stay pure for my husband, I can have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control. I can do ALL things through Him!
I never said I was perfect.
I said I was a Christian.
I never said I was flawless.
I said I am following the One who is.
Why I am sharing all of this? Why can't I just do my Christian journey in silence? Well, because the same way I liked to post about my drinks and parties etcetera, is the same way I want to share about my new life.
If you are reading this and are not a Christian or you know this God I speak about but have not yet reached your point of giving all your life to Him, I want you to know what I have come to know, what being on this side of life means. It means Joy, real Joy! It means Peace in your being. It means being consumed by Love I can't possibly explain.
Everything I need concerning my life, is here! Life is still going to have its ups and downs, but He who is the author of my life, He who gave me life, will always be in my corner and He sees the bigger picture about all concerning me and in Him I have no worries about this life. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose - Romans 8:28.
Yes It would be cool if we could just love the Lord and still do our own thing, but it doesn't work like that, you gotta be or ! No Gray !! And if it is God we are after, we have got to pick one master before something happens, we have got to turn it all around because it's really easy to stay on the fence and still do you. These words are courtesy of the message in the song No Gray by Jonathan McReynolds, check out his instagram ! He's also got an awesome webpage and writes a beautiful blog called the life room talk .
"When you put God FIRST, by obeying His principles and following His divinely established patterns, YOUR LIFE becomes aligned with His plan and promises for you:
 |
| Loving my current Screen Saver look ;) |
Life is journey, and by being a Christian I am simply saying that I have asked God to travel this journey with me, and given Him 100% navigation power.
FIRST THINGS FIRST , SEEK HIM FIRST !
Love, Ree
Come over to My Facebook Page to stay in touch with me when I am not on here :)
Ps: If you are ever in Nairobi and are looking for a church family to visit with, during your short or long stay. My church Eagle's Faith Christian Centre ( EFCC) would be privileged to host you! OR if you live in Nairobi and are looking for a church family or if you simply want to visit and send our love back to your home church family, get in touch with me for directions, or Get Directions Here !
